I thought i was gay but i might be bi

This post was originally published at CBTSchool. In 7th grade, close to a decade before knowing OCD was anything besides a preference for cleanliness and organization, I was sitting on the sidelines of the gymnasium for cheerleading practice. I watched my teammates jump and stunt and tumble, awaiting my turn to get thrown in the air.

From agesmy neighborhood best friend and I, a girl, used to kiss. With this memory came the extreme distress that did not leave me for years: I became a scientist of my sexuality, dissecting attraction. Forming hypotheses and then testing them in my head. I imagined sexual scenarios with both genders to test whether or not I wanted them to happen.

I agonized over what it meant that as a young child, I kissed a girl regularly. If you have never heard of sexual orientation OCD, it is a common subtype of OCD in which one feels highly distraught and fearful of never knowing their true sexual orientation. Like all OCD, it latches onto our closest values and truths, causing us to doubt ourselves.

It can attack individuals of any sexual orientation. Others include watching porn to see how it makes you feel and checking for a groinal response. Our societal narrative of bisexuality also necessitates self-doubt. Preferences are normal. There is this double-life feeling: date someone of the opposite sex, and it will be assumed by the majority that you are straight.

Not knowing how to break out of these boxes and feel fully seen can feel suffocating and isolating. To feel invalid or incorrect in your identity paired with a life-or-death need to be absolutely certain of that identity is, naturally, highly distressing. Of all OCD symptoms, this one has probably been my most impactful and difficult to cope with.

Bisexuality & Sexual Orientation OCD: Double Invalidation

Both make you feel unreal and less than sane. The same went for my sexuality: no one told me that bisexuality or pansexuality was a real thing. If no one has told you this, I am honored to: whatever attraction you naturally feel is valid, and if you feel confused by that, allow the confusion.

Your sexuality is not an equation you must solve, as much as OCD hates that answer. If reading this felt like an exposure, congratulations! Sticking it out to the end is something to be proud of. All you need is an open heart and the steadfast commitment to greet yourself with open arms.

If my story sounds familiar, I would love to hear from you! Feel free to comment below or follow me on Instagram griefgurlwithocd. Though being straight is the most obvious on the surface identity. I feel like this has had such a severely negative impact on my life. The thought of being bisexual feels like a threat and a complication to my otherwise desire for a straight life.

I on the other hand, was raised by a family that accepted homosexuality and had a gay uncle growing up. Part of me feels that my open mind and curiosity and tendency to reject the status quo has fueled my ocd. Yet I have always felt a strong sense of masculinity as well.

I often obsess not over my sexual orientation, but whether I am more masculine or feminine. I am aware all people are both like the yin and yang symbol.